INTRODUCTION
1. Voir Institute of American Values (www.americanvalues.org/) Why Marriage Matters, Second Edition: Twenty-Six Conclusions from the Social Sciences, et Patricia Love et Steven Stosny
How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking About it, introduction page 3: “La recherche et l’expérience clinique nous indiquent également que le mariage et les relations amoureuses engagées sont plus importants pour la santé et le bien-être pour les hommes que pour les femmes. Les hommes divorcés ne travaillent pas aussi bien, ne vivent pas aussi longtemps ou “survivent” avec rien de ce qui ressemble à la qualité de vie dont jouissent les hommes mariés. Ils courent un risque considérablement plus élevé d’alcoolisme, de suicide, de maladie physique et mentale, de chômage, d’accidents de voiture et d’autres accidents. Ils perdent contact avec leurs amis, arrêtent d’aller à l’église ou à des groupes sociaux et finissent par s’isoler complètement, sauf pour la compagnie qu’ils peuvent trouver dans un bar. En bref, ils perdent le sens et le but de leur vie. Sans partenaire, les hommes traversent simplement les mouvements de la vie, mais ne les vivent pas.
2. See John Gray, Why Mars and Venus Collide page 230: “Les femmes divorcées sont souvent plus heureuses, parce qu’elles ont finalement accepté la responsabilité de leur propre bonheur”. Notez également le déclin du nombre de femmes mariées ces dernières décenies. From www.biblenews1.com/marriage/marriags.htm#Total%20Marriages
3. John Gray dans une interview avec Ken Wilber: “Mon premier livre, Men and Women in Relationship, qui a été publié pour la première fois en 1993 était un travail bien plus intelligent mes livres ultérieurs sur Mars et Venus. Mais il était trop dense pour la majorité de la population, vu qu’il n’y a que très peu de gens qui ont la patience et le style de vie pour lire un livre dense et écrit avec intelligence. J’ai alors écrit une version plus diluée qui était plus amusante et plus facile à digérer, qui avait moins de points et représentait quelque chose que les gens pouvaient appliquer directement. Les livres plus simples tels que Les hommes viennent de Mars et les femmes viennent de Vénus sont devenus un phénomène gigantesque avec plus de 40 millions d’exemplaires vendus.” Voir www.integrallife.com/editorial/resurrectingpostmodern-sex-life
4. Voir www.factfinder.census.gov/servlet/ADPTable?_bm=y&-geo_id=01000US&-ds_name=ACS_2008_3YR_G00_&-_lang=en&-
_caller=geoselect&-format= and Helen Fisher, Why We Love, page 217.
5. See Helen Fisher, Why We Love, page 217 and www.datingsitesreviews.com/staticpages/index.php?page=Online-Dating-Industry-Facts-Statistics
6. See www.center.americanvalues.org/?p=5
7. See www.divorcerate.org/ pour des détails les âges de divorce pour les hommes et les femmes et les statistiques pour le premier, second et troisième mariage. Voir également www.divorcereform.org/nyt05.html pour une explication des variations dans de telles statistiques.
8. See Gregory K. Popcak The Exceptional Seven Percent, page 4 et 5 où il cite les découvertes de divers chercheurs tels que Dr. Judith Wallerstein (auteur de The Good Marriage ) qui ont trouvé que 15% de tous les mariages et 7% des premiers mariages sont exceptionnels; Lilo and Gerald Leeds Wonderful Marriage page 2: “Some research indicates that only 7% of all marriages can be considered to be great marriages”; www.divorcemag.com/statistics/statsUS.shtml for marriage and divorce statistics, and the research of Steven L. Nock and W. Bradford Wilcox, University of Virginia: What’s love got to do with it? Equality, equity, commitment, and women’s marital quality .
9. See John Tierney The Big City; A New Look At Realities Of Divorce published July 11, 2000 in the NY Times: “Researchers who have interviewed divorcing couples have repeatedly found that, in cases where the divorce is not mutually desired, women are more than twice as likely to be the ones who want out. After the split, women are typically happier than their exes.” Also Margaret Brinig, Notre Dame Law School and Douglas Allen, Simon Fraser University These Boots Are Made for Walking: Why Most Divorce Filers Are Women , and Patricia Love, Steven Stosny How to Improve your Marriage Without Talking About It page 162, and AARP The Divorce Experience: A Study of Divorce At Midlife and Beyond http://assets.aarp.org/rgcenter/general/divorce_1.pdf
10. See Patricia Love, Steven Stosny How to Improve your Marriage Without Talking About It page 46: “The devastating effects of divorce on men present a strong argument for the fact that his partner provides the meaning of his life.” Also Laurie A. Rudman and Peter Glick The Social Psychology of Gender pages 223-225: “Thoughts of ending the relationship are especially physically taxing and aversive for men.”
11. See www.fathersforlife.org/suicides/US_suicide_deaths.htm and Warren Farrell Does Feminism Discriminate Against Men page8.
12. See www.archives.cnn.com/2000/HEALTH/03/15/divorce.suicide.wmd/ and www.afsp.org/ “in 2004 overall US male suicides 25,907 of 145,973,538 = 17.8 for every 100,000, overall US female suicides 6,730 of 150,533,523 = 4.5 for every 100,000.
13. See Warren Farrell Why Men Are the Way They Are page 105—based on studies by Donald Symons, author of The Evolution of Human Sexuality.
14. See books in Appendix I of this manual with books such as such as Is He Mr. Right with a chapter on “How to dump the duds” or An Intelligent Woman’s Guide to Online Dating in which the author describes how she rejected (and sometimes broke the hearts) of over 100 men until she found “Mr. Right.” Her favorite word is “Next!”
15. Age Distribution by Sex, 2000
16. See Patricia Love and Steven Stosny How to Improve your Marriage Without Talking About It page 49: “Most relationship books and marriage–enrichment programs are designed to appeal to the women who buy or attend more than 90 percent of them.”
17. See www.hai.org for powerful Love, Intimacy, and Sexuality workshops. Also numerous other providers of Tantric Sex Workshops that typically have waiting lists for men who are often asked to pay women to gender balance the group.
18. As one die-hard single female Science Of Mind Minister who facilitates Undefended Love groups put it: “Men who come to these groups are not really interested in the work, they just want to pick up women.” Women may also feel manipulated, controlled, taken advantage of, or disconnected when a man mentions that he reads relationship books and applies their wisdom. Lastly they may feel uncomfortable about losing their “competitive edge” or “authority” as the relationship expert in a partnership if a man is equally or better informed and has better relationshipskills than she has.
19. The French Encyclopédie was the first attempt at a systematic analysis of the “order and interrelations of human knowledge” in the late 18th century. Diderot called it the attempt to collect all the knowledge that now lies scattered over the face of the earth, to make known its general structure to the men among we live, and to transmit it to those who will come after us. To make men not only wiser, but also “more virtuous and more happy.” Wilber has taken it a significant step further, by not only collecting much of the essential knowledge and wisdom available today from the East and West, but also by putting it into a cohesive map, framework or model.
20. Bill Clinton called Ken Wilber brilliant and mentions him in speeches (see www.youtube.com/watch?v=GEjKr2gA8Wk). Wilber has also consulted with advisors to Al Gore, Tony Blair, and George W. Bush.
21. See for example Sean Esbjorn-Hargens’s, and Michael Zimmerman’s landmark book Integral Ecology.
22. See for example Alex Grey’s integral art and Wilber essay at www.alexgrey.com/essay/kenwilber.html in which he says “I first encountered Ken Wilber’s phenomenal philosophical genius some seventeen years ago.”
23. If this manual inspires you to learn more about the AQAL model you may want to read some of Ken Wilber’s books. For a short, simple and up-to-date overview: The Integral Vision: A Very Short Introduction to the Revolutionary Integral Approach to Life, God, the Universe, and Everything . For more detail: A Brief History of Everything . For Wilber’s latest thoughts: Integral Spirituality (which can be challenging at times).
Also highly recommended are Allan Combs’s current and excellent book Consciousness Explained Better and Lew Howard’s 2005 book Introducing Ken Wilber (which does not cover the important Wilber-Combs Lattice and the eight Zones, which were introduced later in Integral Spirituality , but is otherwise quite complete and easy to read.) For a collection of critical articles about Wilber’s model visit www.integralworld.net
24. To have integrity means to live according to your values and beliefs in the face of adversity and opposition, or to say what you do and to do what you say.
25. Abraham Maslow saw and formulated a hierarchy of human needs. Simply put it states that we all have a need to live (survive), love (feel well in our relationships), learn (grow), and leave a legacy (make a difference in the world that we will be remembered for) and that these needs unfold in that hierarchical order. He called this process self-actualization. Eckhart Tolle subtitled his book A New Earth with Awakening to your Life’s Purpose . David Deida’s The Way Of The Superior Man empowers men to discover and live their true purpose in a spiritual context.
26. See Irvin Singer Philosophy of Love page xvii: “I realized that understanding love or its related conditions required an investigation into problems about meaningfulness in life as a whole and the human creation of values in general.”
CHAPTER 1: UNDERSTANDING THE DIMENSIONS OF LOVE
27. See for example Jenny Wade Transcendental Sex page 181: “Lovers tell of losing all touch with everyday reality to become One with an unfathomable, ineffable mystery so great and so free of content that it can only be realized once the person returns [to duality].”
28. Lao Tzu, the first Taoist philosopher writes in the first line of the Tao Te Ching (translated by Stephen Mitchell): “The Tao that can be told is notthe eternal Tao.” He says “Those who know do not speak, those who speak do not know.” Also see Rumi and Hafiz for wonderful poetry about the longings of the heart and soul to return to this oneness and Eckhart Tolle’s little book Stillness Speaks.
29. Famous statement by Stephen Hawking, professor of mathematics at the University of Cambridge for thirty years and author of popular books on science such as A Brief History of Time .
30. Our deep yearning for Love as a return to oneness or non–separation may also be explained by longing for a return to the fusion that we experienced with our mother before birth.
31. See Hillary Mayell, National Geographic News, February 16, 2005.
32. See www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Punctuated_equilibrium for a comparison between Darwinian evolution theory and cladogenesis. Also see Rupert Sheldrake Morphic Resonance page 131-143 for his model of Formative Causation.
33. Sexual Selection (also called Survival of the Prettiest ) occurs through mate choices in which males and females with the strongest fitness indicators (e.g., the tail of a peacock) mate with each other to produce offspring with the highest chance of survival. Natural selection occurs through survival of the fittest after birth. There is mounting evidence (see Geoffrey Miller The Mating Mind ) that sexual selection plays a much larger role in the evolution of species than natural selection does.
34. See www.archaeologyinfo.com/species.htm for an in-depth review of human evolution.
35. Katharine Milton, a physical anthropologist at the University of California, Berkeley, and authority on primate diet states that our human ancestors who roamed the dry and open savannas of Africa about 2 million years ago routinely began to include meat in their diets to compensate for a serious decline in the quality of plant foods. It was this new meat diet, full of densely-packed nutrients that provided the catalyst for human evolution, particularly the growth of the brain.
Without meat, said Milton, it’s unlikely that they could have secured enough energy and nutrition from the plants available in their African environment at that time to evolve into the active, sociable, intelligent creatures they became. Receding forests would have deprived them of the more nutritious leaves and fruits that forest-dwelling primates survive on, said Milton.
Her thesis complements the discovery by UC Berkeley professor Tim White and others that early human species were butchering and eating animal meat as long ago as 2.5 million years. Milton’s article integrates dietary strategy with the evolution of human physiology to argue that meat eating was routine. It was published in the journal Evolutionary Anthropology (Vol.8, #1).
Milton said that her theories do not reflect on today’s vegetarian diets, which can be completely adequate, given modern knowledge of nutrition. www.berkeley.edu/news/media/releases/99legacy/614-1999a.html
36. Most anthropologists believe that the strategy of monogamy was chosen by pre-modern human females. It ensured the loyalty of one male protector and provider, instead of trying to leave several males wondering who had fathered her children, without having any of them committed to her. It is also quite possible that strong males had small harems and that attractive females engaged in serial monogamy or polyandry (having more than one husband) as long as they were fertile. The idea that humans are not naturally programmed to be monogamous does not make sense from an evolutionary perspective, as humans have relatively long periods of gestation and their offspring take the longest to raise to adulthood. See for example Geoffrey Miller The Mating Mind pages 194-198 and articles on the Internet.
37. Nuclear family means a woman and man with child (or children), versus single parents, childless family or single adults living alone, with their parents, or any other family construct.
38. See Helen Fisher Why We Love page 132, Daniel Goleman Social Intelligence page 198-210, Harville Hendrix Getting The Love You Want page 6, Erich Fromm The Art of Loving page 1-2, John Gottman The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work page 37 -38 … (to name a few).
39. See Catherine Salmon and Donald Symons Warrior Lovers which outlines how the stark contrasts between romance novels and pornography underscore different female and male erotic fantasies. These differences reflect human evolutionary history and the disparate selection pressures that women and men experienced. The authors review the fundamental importance of evolutionary history to human psychology, discuss how male and female sexual psychologies differ, and then demonstrate how sex differences in erotica illustrate this. This difference is further evidenced by homosexual men who have between 100 and several 1000 sexual partners over a lifetime, while lesbian women rarely have more than 100.
Also see Nancy Etcoff Survival of the Prettiest page 58, Donald Symons, The Evolution of Human Sexuality , David M. Buss, The Evolution of Desire , and Robert J. Sternberg and Karin Weis (editors) The New Psychology of Love pages 65-86.
See Geoffrey Miller The Mating Mind page 258 -291, Helen Fisher Why We Love pages 143-145, and www.news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/733747.stm
40. Oups, on dirait qu’il manque quelque chose
41. With the rise of agriculture, for the first time in human development food production became the main domain of men, since pregnant and nursing women could not handle a heavy plow. Enough food could be produced this way so that women could focus more on caring for home and children.
42. Patriarchy literally means “hierarchy of priests” (who were called fathers) or simply “Father ruled.” It is the structuring of families, communities, and societies where fathers (men) assume the primary responsibility for the welfare (protection and providing) of these units. The word patriarchy is now often misused to indicate abusive male control and domination over women and children (and other males), while in actuality it was a co-created mutually beneficial system for the survival of men, women, and their offspring. The opposite of patriarchy is a matriarchy.
Theoretically, matriarchies develop when humans live in peaceful environments with abundant food supply. It is now believed that matriarchies never existed. Some feminists romanticize matriarchies as the better alternative to patriarchy. Matriarchy is also sometimes confused with matrifocal societies. See Laurie A. Rudman and Peter Glick The Social Psychology of Gender page 32 and 33, and www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matriarchy
43. See Ken Wilber A Brief History of Everything page 47.
44. Philosophy is the love of knowledge. Its disciplines are concerned with questions of how one should live (morals/ethics), what sorts of thingsexist (ontology), and the nature/limits of knowledge (epistemology).
45. The Greek philosophers Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle have provided much of the foundation of Western thought, including morals, religions, and the resulting civilizations. The influence of Plato has been persistent and unbroken. His Academy at Athens, which opened in about 387 BC, was the forerunner of today’s colleges and universities. It was a school devoted to philosophy, law, and scientific research—primarily mathematics—and it endured as an institution until 529 AD when it and other non-Christian schools were closed by the emperor Justinian.
Alfred North Whitehead wrote in Process and Reality page 39: “The safest general characterization of the European philosophical tradition is that it consists of a series of footnotes to Plato.”
46. See www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_inventors Note that practically all of them are males. This also holds true for art, philosophy, science, agriculture, and religions etc.
47. See Ken Wilber A Brief History of Everything pages 40-51 for a more detailed description of human evolution.
48. In 1792 Mary Wollstonecraft published A Vindication of the Rights of Woman , which was a call for equality between the sexes in particular areas of life, such as education and morality. However she did not explicitly state that men and women are equal.
49. The different waves and forms of feminism are: First wave feminism promoted women’s equal right to contract, property, and suffrage, and opposed the ownership of married women by their husbands.
Second wave feminism concerned itself with ending any type of discrimination against women, with a tendency to dictate to women what is good and bad for them, often implying that men are bad.
Third wave feminism coexists with second wave feminism and started a debate between women about if women are different from men or not. It raised question of class- and race-related subjectivities.
Post feminism assumes that equal rights and opportunities have been achieved and that any kind of view that separates the sexes rather than uniting them is not feminist but sexist.
Liberal feminism asserts the equality of men and women through political and legal reform. It focuses on women’s ability to show and maintain their equality through their own actions and choices.
Radical feminism claims that a male-based authority and power structure is responsible for the oppression of women and their inequality, and that as long as this system and its values are in place, society will not be able to be reformed in any significant way. Radical feminism is basically anti-male.
Socialist feminism connects the oppression of women to Marxist ideas about exploitation, capitalism, and labor. Socialist feminists see women being held down as a result of their unequal standing in both the workplace and the domestic sphere.
Eco-feminism believes that the oppression of women comes from the same ideologies that bring about the destruction of the natural
environment. Eco-feminists argue that men in power control the land, are able to exploit it for their own profit and success, and exploit womenfor their pleasure. Like radical feminists, eco-feminists also tend to hate men and are therefore often called radical eco-feminists.
50. In the US as a whole in 1920.